It's an interesting piece to read because she didn't want to turn back time to make herself richer or make herself happier, but because she wanted to turn back time just so that she could give someone she cared about just a little bit more of her time.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Indeed life is full of regrets, and if everyone could retrace their footsteps to rectify the wrongs, then there would be no unhappiness nor regrets. The significance of opportunity cost - the cost of passing up the next best choice when making a decision (assuming mutual exclusivity) - would be nullified since life could always be lived and re-lived. There would no longer be life-changing decisions, since every decision would be reversible. But in such a world, instead of learning from mistakes and moving on, people would become too obsessed with leading the perfect life. The cost of correcting one’s wrongs would be greater than the cost of moving on.
But some mistakes are too painful to live with. They tear you apart during the day; keep you up at night; gnaw away at the insides, consuming you from within, incapacitating you. And I am only too familiar with the feeling of such crippling regrets, too many to count. But if I could just have that one chance to turn back time, I would choose to go back to 3 September 2006 Sunday.
He was lying in bed, wasting away and counting down the days to go. For 2 years, since the first diagnosis of a brain tumor, I’ve seen him ingest countless cocktails of pills, move from radiotherapy to chemotherapy, his hair falling out in clumps, fingers blackening, from being mobile to being confined to a wheelchair, eventually losing control of even his hands and organs.
That Sunday night, my family decided to drop in for a visit, everyone knew his days were numbered but no one expected that night to be our last visit. He was in his room, watching ‘Tom and Jerry’, I had not seen him for quite a while, so I was overwhelmed with the sight of my 13 year old cousin, a young soul trapped within a dying diseased meatsuit.
Staying beside him, being cheerful for him, was impossible.
So I did the most cowardly thing of my life.
I went out into his kitchen to cry. I pulled my phone out and called my crush. I wanted to escape the reality, I wanted to be comforted. So I stayed in the kitchen, talking to my crush, until it was time to leave, and I went inside to say goodbye, not knowing that I was bidding him farewell for good.
His last message to me was “Jia You for O-levels” - a message he communicated with great difficulty, blinking at each correct alphabet suggested. I would be taking my O-levels Prelims the coming week, and he knew how stressed up I was about exams. He was comforting me, cheering me on, yet I chose to avoid him.
He passed on 6 days later, his breathing slowed and eventually stopped, being the sweet and considerate boy he always was, he chose to leave us quietly. I never forgave myself for not spending more time with him while he was still around, but in particular, I will always loathe myself for being the coward that I was on that Sunday night.
If I could turn back time, I would never have ducked into that kitchen to hide. I would flash him my biggest winning smile, sit beside him and hold his hand and watch “Tom and Jerry” with him.
That would have given me 30 minutes of quality time spent with him, instead of the snappy, brief, five minutes of just a “hi” and “bye” I had with him.
If only I knew, If only I was brave enough then, if only I thought more about him instead of selfishly thinking about my crush and myself. Some nights I stay up reliving the episode, replaying my selfish act over and over again, loathing myself more and more. I would give my right arm to find that dagger, just to re-live the Sunday night of 3rd September 2006.
The Prince of Persia movie is coming up soon, and I can't wait to just immerse myself in that fantasy world and ask myself that powerful question - what would I do if I could turn back time?
