What Women Want #5: The Perfect Date

Well, I gotta rush off for the Nuffnang Wild Party as a "Man-Cat" soon, so I just thought that I should do a quick post on What Women Want this week.

Presenting, how to make the first date the perfect date!



Or maybe it's what NOT to do to make the first date the perfect date!

***

P.S. See! Smothering a girl with gifts just doesn't work (or maybe it's just Steven Lim)!

What Women Want #4: A Man Who Doesn't Need Her!

I was thinking of various ideas for this post, and I chanced this on Sophia's blog:

Someone who doesn't make me his LIFE, but someone who makes me the FAVOURITE part of his life.

Yeah, well lesson learnt from my Minnienah here. She told me once. And I pondered on this a lot. You know, when people say stuff like ,"You are my everything, you are my life". It's kinda risky, because most relationships don't end this way and ALSO because it isn't very sincere if we think about it. I don't want to be EVERYTHING to someone. I don't want him to put me in front of everything and not give a damn about everything else. I don't want to be the reason he lives! (eeyer) I also realised that you know, one phone call for an hour a day is way better than smsing for a whole day. We need space ya 'all!:)It makes us yearn for more, and appreciate what we get. This sorta links to interest and spontaneity (oh god, how do I spell this?:P) I guess that most of us get 'bored' easily as we humans are generally people who love learning new things! And when there is nothing to learn from, we feel ler dead. Well, sparks is essential I guess. See, I don't really know HOW a certain guy could keep me feeling all excited because it's never happened :P, but I bet there's someone out there who knows how to, by just being his spontaneous , interesting self.

- Sophie, from radiant-rain.blogspot.com

And I can't help but agree.

Once upon a time, a time where this blogger was still a lot more naive, I once thought that what every girl wanted was a guy that made her his life.

I mean, what more could a girl ever want more than a guy who would think about her every minute of the day, call and SMS her a gazillion times an hour to make her feel loved and cared for, as well as do everything in his power to get her anything that her heart may fancy. A guy whose heart beat only for her and whose existence was justified by that smile on her face.

Yes, I once bought into all that boy band bull****.

"That made perfect sense right?" my naive former self thought. Guess I didn't know my stuff then.

Well, you 'nice guys' may disagree, but I can tell you from personal experience that this whole "she is my reason for existence" thing is a whole recipe for disaster. A whole complete recipe. Let me show you why any self respecting male should not need his girl too much:

1. A guy who makes his woman his world is predictable. Which in other words means BORING!
I guess Soph hit it on the nail here. A guy who goes all out to be nice to his girl ALL the time is incredibly predictable. He'll always be there for her parties, carry her shopping bags and probably even spend tons of time with her and her girlfriends. You ALWAYS know what he'll be up to next because it will be whatever she asks for!

This causes the sexual tension, that spark that women always seem to be talking about, to disappear! Like I discussed earlier in What Women Want #2, women to be kept on their toes wondering if their man really cares for them. It injects excitement into the relationship. It's what makes her tingle with excitement on her bed at night, wondering what that last, slightly aloof SMS you sent to her actually meant. It's what she so enjoys spending hours with her girlfriends discussing.

But it all goes away when it's TOO APPARENT that shes your one and only. Yes, it totally evaporates. So don't overdo the "I'll love you to the ends of the world thing" too much. From time to time, yes. But NOT ALL THE TIME!

2. Making her your all and being around her all the time is not 'nice', it's smothering (unless shes one of those super clingy, needy types).
When you spend all your time around your girl, you risk not giving her enough space. One very important thing to remember is that the girl that you're dating had a life BEFORE you came along!

I strongly believe that whoever that you date should enhance the present quality of your life, and if you don't give your girl the space she needs to be with her friends (without your interruption) and her hobbies, she's not going to be too happy at you for it. She's just gonna hate you more and more for smothering her. So don't do it!

Besides, spending every second of every day with her is also going to make it impossible for her to miss you, and yearn for you. And every girl secretly wants to miss her boyfriend, at least a little. (:

3. Not having a life of your own makes you so much less interesting.
One thing that many guys fail to realize is that when a guy makes his girlfriend's life his own, he stops being that person that his girl fell in love with in the first place. Just ask yourself, which kind of guy is a girl more likely to fall in love with:

A. A confident guy who has his own priorities in life (i.e. a backbone!) and his own social circle that he can rely on.

or

B. The guy that gives up his friends for his girl and is always waiting on his girl?

Girls need a strong guy with a backbone, who acts congruently on his values, not someone who readily gives up his life for someone else, because such a person is so much more respectable (so if you chose guy B, you're sorely lacking in self respect!).

And you're definitely someone respectable and someone deserving of admiration from your girl if you dump your life for her. It also shows that you didn't have an interesting life to begin with, further making you look like a hopeless loser.

***

Would Leonidas be anywhere as cool as he is if he was pussywhipped by his wife the queen to stay and not go to war? Women want a man who stands strong to his own values, lives by his own standards, and has his OWN life, not a needy person who depends on her for his survival.

What's also important to consider is also that if you ditch your life for your girl, it's going to be really difficult to get back on your feet should the unthinkable happen.

Your life's yours for a reason. A girl is not a good reason to throw it all away.

Till then, live your OWN life, not hers!

Hamlet's Hero out.

***

I'm all done with the Project Trafford post, and I'm really excited about it! I can't wait to share it with all of you because it really is a really interesting concept!

The thing is that I can't release it to the world yet until I get the green light from Nuffnang, so please hang in there! You'll see footage of the raid, and MUCH MORE soon!

Keep tuning in!

What Women Want #3: The Exact Same Thing That We Men Want

Was chatting with Hamlet earlier and this was how the conversation went:

Mr. Kevin Chan - Hamlet's Hero says:
gah i dont know what to write for this week's what women want!

maria's bloody tree. says:
write something different la

maria's bloody tree. says:
like how come

maria's bloody tree. says:
some women

maria's bloody tree. says:
settle for casual sex

maria's bloody tree. says:
and one night stands

Mr. Kevin Chan - Hamlet's Hero says:
You're a genius! (:

Yes, you got it right, today's article will be all about how women want sex as much as men, if not more than us men.

Before you feminists out there start preparing to flame me for my heinous sin of painting in overtly broad strokes, let me just make clarify that I'm not out here today to brand every being with a vagina out there a reckless nymphomaniac, but that girls are also sexual creatures, just like we men are.

Don't deny it, we're all sexual beings here, but I guess I was once young and naive, thinking that girls never had these urges that I had. I used to think that they were all pure and devoid of naughty desires because they always acted disgusted when they overheard us guys discussing what we love to discuss most in school. It was only later that I realized that it was indeed, just an act. Yes, I was young and naive once.

It just didn't click in my head that the girls around me had the same desires, just that they hid it better. Way better.

I'm not saying that all girls sleep around, or am condoning pre-marital sex, but the point that I want you to bring home is this:

Hamlet's Hero lesson #4: Girls want it as much as you do, they just don't want the world to know it.

When I talk about girls being sexual beings too, I'm not only talking about sexual intercourse here, but of all things sexual - from playing footsie under the table, making out in a HDB stairwell to getting the whole act going. Girls want it as much as we do, guys, they really do.

Please don't take me literally here and say that I'm assuming that all girls are AS sexual as YOU. Every girl is different (yes you femi-nazis, I'm actually saying this) and some are hornier than others lah. The main point is that they're sexual beings, like us guys too.

Why else do you think that women's magazines are full with hot sex tips and long romantic (read: erotic) stories? Why else women gossip about who's sleeping with who and who all the time? Why else do women have a sexual organ dedicated purely to pleasure that we guys don't have (penises are multipurpose organs)?

Because they're thinking about exactly the same thing that you're thinking about. Sex.

There's nothing wrong with it really, because if we never thought about it the human race would cease to exist, no?

But there is a fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to sex though. What do you call a man who manages to bed every celebrity in town? A sex god. A stud. He's admired by other men.

What do you call a woman who sleeps with every Datuk in town? A slut, disrespected by all.

Yes, you got that right, our world is unfair here. They both did the same thing. The only difference is that one has a penis and the other a vagina.

Society isn't too kind on promiscuous women (for reasons that I shall not explicate today) and girls are brought up well trained not to display such behavior in public. The key word here, class, is PUBLIC. Most normal, healthy girls have plenty of fantasies to act out on you, once you bring them somewhere more private.

So that's the next learning point:

Hamlet's Hero lesson #5: Girls want to do all those things to you too, but in private, not in public.

That's exactly why trying to give a girl her first kiss on a crowded train station is not the best idea. Instead, take her somewhere where the world won't see and judge her (unless she's one of those exhibitionist types, then it wouldn't matter anyway, right?).

That's the reason why she pushes you away when you grab her ass in public and why she turns away when you try to kiss her in front of her friends even though she's been giving you signals all night. She wants it, but she's more sensitive to the location that you are. Be kind to her, and don't give her enemies the chance to call her a slut.

Solution: get her to somewhere discreet to get the deed done. Everybody's happy. (:

Yes, I know that some of these things are so blatantly obvious for you (smartass) girls out there, but many guys out there, including myself when I was in secondary school don't know about such matters. We guys are a lot less subtle about these things ya? So stop going at me with a "any 10 year old girl can tell you that" DUH please, because guys really need to hear this. What would I have done for a blog like this when I was stuck with girl problems in secondary school? Hope you guys out there better appreciate it!

Email me if you have relationship problems out there! All names will be kept confidential, and we can discuss various solutions on this blog, hopefully resulting in a good solution!

Don't feel shy to email me at: planar.rebirth(at)gmail(dot)com!

And one more thing, updates for What Women Want will now be rescheduled for Saturdays since my Fridays are often busy.

Till then, take her somewhere private!

Hamlet's Hero out.

Edit: My favorite sex blogger, TheBeautifulKind and the Virgin from vcarded.com commented on my post! The Virgin even went all the way out to write a response to my post about sex and it's place in relationships on his blog! Read it here!

I'm a happy happy guy!

What Women Want #2: The Chase

I keep telling the guys I meet not to throw themselves at the women they meet for a very good reason - it makes it too easy for the women. Why is that a bad thing, you ask?

It's simple - women enjoy the chase as much (if not more) then we guys do.

What would you treasure more, something cheap you bought at the store, or a trophy that you had to put in thousands of hours of blood, sweat and tears training to achieve. If you answered the former, you're just weird. Seriously.

Anyway, most of us would treasure something that we've put in a considerable emotional investment much more then something that came to us easily. Similarly, girls would also treasure a guy that they have to work to get much more then one who just jumps into their hands.

Hamlet's Hero lesson #3: A woman would treasure a man that she had to work to get much more than a guy who was just too easy.

Yes, it's a fact - women LOVE the chase. They thrive on it! Why else do you think that romance novels spend so much time elaborating on how the heroine manages to 'tame' the savage male hero?

By dropping subtle hints that you're interested, instead of going all out to declare your love for her at the beginning, it makes the chase so much more exciting. Women in general analyse their relationships with men to the N^th degree and they can indeed pick up subtle hints men drop really well. The only problem is that men usually are nothing but subtle! We're extremely blunt and frank creatures! One way of building attraction is by giving the girl the opportuinity to play 'detective' for a while and let her try to figure out if you're really into her. But don't do this forever okay? Suh Ming would be quick to add here that if you would overdo this and do it too long, you'll end up causing the girl to give up on you and move on to better prospects.

Yes, don't overdo it, but at the same time, don't do without it! Being excessively nice and straightforward at the beginning just totally kills the attraction that all the guessing games are supposed to bring about.

So, don't spoil the whole journey of the hunt for her by being too direct with your love and affection for her by being all too nice at the beginning, just hint at it and keep her guessing. She'll love you for it with you on her mind all night (provided you're not a jerk who's just doing that to lead her on without actually wanting to have a proper relationship with her).

As I said earlier, this game needs to be played, just don't do it for so long that she gives up.

***

There still are a lot of things that I need to clarify, but that's what future posts are for right?

This post was originally supposed to be a lot longer, but I've cut this one short as I've got quite a bit on my head right now. Which school to go to, which course to choose... It's all weighing down on me pretty hard right now as I've only got about a week more to decide.

Yeah, it's so bad that I can quite clearly recall a dream where I was debating with a prominent senior politician about how stupid he was, leading a crusade against our dear Datin in school and suing a girl who was going on and on about how I was 5 minutes late for a date in court.

Yes, my dreams can get pretty weird when I'm stressed up and tired.

But before I finish this, I really want to thank all of you who have bothered to comment on my posts. It has been a great joy to read your comments and it's nice to see that this blog has brought about quite a bit of discussion. So please comment! Be it that you think that what I write is total nonsense or the holy writ, I want to hear what you think! (But just be sure to read through my arguments first lah!)

That's it for today,

Hamlet's Hero signing out.

P.S. : Tysern came back from Melaka and he wants the world to know. Check him out!

More thoughts on 'nice' guys...

Should you pay for the date?

Many of my readers may disagree with this, but I do not believe in the guy paying for the first date. Even though we live in an age where gender equality is something given, girls just shamelessly argue that they should be paid for just because it is the gentlemanly thing to do.

Society once thought that women were inferior in society. Should we treat women like dirt just because people think that it's the thing to do? No, thank you. I just love my women way too much and would very much rather appeal to my faculties of rational thought when I make decisions. And I would like my women to do the same (unless you're that bloke who only dates airheads).

Women who believe that gender equality is their right while play the 'but I'm a girl' card whenever it helps you get a free meal are being completely inconsistent with the image of women being equal to men, don't you think?

It's not a hard and fast rule, but I just I don't believe in paying for the first date because I don't believe in giving women (and people in general) things that they have not earned yet.

Tell me, which would make a girl feel more that you're dating her just because of her looks?

1. Paying for her meal and movie ticket on the first date like a obedient puppy for no apparent reason other than the fact that everyone else is doing it (and that your mother told you to).

or...

2. Going dutch on meals until you know that the girl is a good and reliable friend that deserves a treat?

I'm not saying that you should be a rude person who refuses to help your date out should she be lacking sufficient money to pay for her meal, but I believe that one should not be so eager to throw himself blindly at someone he doesn't even know well.

Immediately assuming that the girl is some weak person who is so ill prepared that she came out to dinner without any money to pay for her own dinner is just degrading I tell you. I love my women, and I strongly believe in gender equality, but I also equally strongly believe that women have to first respect themselves before they can expect us men to respect them.

Another reason why I do not believe in paying for the first date is that it presents the guy as needy and insecure. If you ask me, the whole paying for a girl's meal thing just reeks of the stench of prostitution somehow. You're actually paying a girl to spend time with you! Doesn't that sound a little whorey somehow?

I would much rather have a girl spend time with me because I'm an interesting person and she genuinely wants to spend time with me rather than PAY a girl to spend an evening with me. I would rather have a girl first prove her worth to me as a friend first, before I feel that she would deserve any extra special attention from me.

So unless you are so boring and disgusting that no girl would want to spend time with you, then I guess you have no choice but to step up and foot the bill.

I however, would gladly do otherwise.

What do you guys think?

***

On an unrelated note, I didn't get into NUS's law faculty. Yeah, I saw it coming as I wasn't even called in for an interview, but now it's official. I got provisional acceptance into the business school instead. Guess that really ain't so bad, but the irritating thing is that I still have no news from SMU (Singapore Management University) yet, making it impossible for me to come up with a final decision. Still hoping that I make the cut for law in SMU.

Oh well, guess that one can only pray for the best and let fate take it's course. I'm still sure I'll work out right, somehow.

And I better find time to blog about all the (stupid) things that have been coming out of Mahathir's mouth (hope this too small for him to read). (:

What Women Want #1: It's definitely not the 'nice guy'.

When I was back in secondary school, this was how I thought it worked.

Guy fancies girl, so guy should be a the nice guy that girls keep talking about - the guy who buys them big fluffy bears with all their pocket money; the guy that is absolutely loyal to her and looks at no other girls. Girl should fall in love with such a nice guy...... right? But unfortunately (for me at least), it didn't seem to be working this way, somehow.

When I came back to school to teach earlier this year, I saw that exact same thing happening ALL OVER AGAIN. It was like reliving a nightmare, all over again. I knew I had to do something about it.

So for today, class, we'll look at why being the 'nice guy' wouldn't be so nice for your love life.

Lets see what the stereotypical 'nice guy' does. He's too willing to part with his money for the girl that he fancies, gives in to all her wants and whims, and is willing to stop looking at all the other girls around just because there happens to be one girl who talks to him a teeny bit more than the others.

Now guys, I know that we have been all brought up and told that we have to be gentlemen, and we have to be nice to girls because that's what they want. But we forget a very important fact - most of the time, you're not supposed to believe what women tell you anyway.

Hamlet's Hero lesson #1: Women don't mean what they say most of the time.

Yes, for all you naive guys (and girls who like girls) out there, females are notorious for not giving away the truth easily. She says shes happy with the gifts you give her, but if what she says is not consistent with her body language and you just got to call her bluff. She says that shes happy with you going out with the guys on soccer night but we all know that shes going to sulk big time when we come back, right? Cause if you don't you need the above line hammered into your thick skull.

Yes, the thing is that although women keep going on and on about how they want guys to be 'nice' and all, spending all their money on gifts for them and being the absolute center of a man's life, they're not telling you the whole truth.

The truth is that all the girls you know probably forgot to tell you one thing when you asked them what they wanted in a man they liked - the sexual tension and attraction that sends them swooning. Yes, that's what they really want, but I like to think that girls intentionally left that bit out so that they get free dinner dates every now and then from a average Joe with zero knowledge about women. Who wouldn't want to be pampered ya? But that's just not the way to play the game.

Think about it, would any of the things that a typical 'nice guy' does magically make a woman desire you? Paying for a girl's dinner and buying her gifts wouldn't make her magically fall in love with you if that spark isn't there, and if you overdo it, quite the opposite happens - it makes the guy look like a desperate stalker. Don't you just have to agree with this, girls?

The thing that most guys fail to see is that if you manage to cause the girl in question to become attracted to you, you won't have to burn your pockets or cut out all your other options to get the girl you're after because she'll fall for you anyway, because you're one hell of an attractive person, not because you think you suck so much that you have to PAY for every single thing so that the POOR, POOR girl will spend an evening with you. And just think about it, that sorta behavior would just make the girl feel like social escort every time she goes out with you, a really badly paid one. And that's just not sexy behavior that's gonna cause a girl to become attracted to you (unless shes the one that never EVER got attention until you came along, but those usually aren't my type. If they're yours, stop reading and continue what you're doing cause you'll be staying well outta my way anyway).

You know whats worse than guys who start off on the wrong foot by trying to be the 'nice' guy? Guys thinking that they're being the most charming guy in the world by trying to be 'super' nice. Yes, I know it's a kiasu world we live in but it just doesn't work that way! Just think about it, if niceness was what causes people to become attracted to another person, Mother Teresa would like be one of the most attractive babes on the planet (but yeah guess she can be in spirit lah...)! It just doesn't work that way, get it?

So that's lesson number 2.

Hamlet's Hero lesson #2: Being 'nice' does not magically make girls swoon and fall in love with you.

Damn, if I only figured this out in secondary school I wouldn't have wasted so much time...... and so much opportunity. But guess it was a lesson well learnt.

Well, don't sue me for plagarism, but for a girl's point of view, this is how Le Raine from http://leraine.blogspot.com put it:

The nice guy usually ends up eagerly offering favours to the girl, putting off his own needs to ensure that the girl is happy. This includes squandering a mind-blowing amount of cash to swamp the girl with material things, offering to complete her 6-month project, skipping his dinner to fix her choked toiletbowl so that she can go out on her hot date, etc. Her wish is the guy's mission in life, and he will never learn to say no to her. The girl, of course, will be appreciative, but more often than not she doesn't automatically fall at the guy's feet in undisguised adoration (which, of course, is exactly what the guy is hoping for). There can be 3 outcomes, actually.

1) The girl notices that the nice guy is very sweet and starts noticing him. She shyly offers herself to him and they get married in a meadow with scattered flower petals everywhere and little birds and rabbits scampering about. They eventually have two perfect blond-haired, blue-eyed children, and they will adopt Bambi as a pet.

2) The girl notices that the nice guy is very sweet and labels him as 'reliable friend'. She will now not risk anything to lose this gem as someone who will go out his way to help her.

3) The girl notices that the nice guy is very sweet and starts to suspect that he likes her. When her suspicions are confirmed, she tries to let the nice guy down politely because she doesn't want to hurt such a nice guy. She makes up all sorts of excuses, including having a boyfriend, having not gotten over an ex-boyfriend, having feelings for someone else, needing to concentrate on her studies/career, being a lesbian, etc.

Well, life's not Disney World right, so the only two reasonable outcomes are outcome 2 &3 (you only get outcome 1 if you're Brad Pitt or something, and you wouldn't be reading this if you were). However it goes, the harder the guy tries to woo the girl by being a 'nice' guy, the more she either:

1. Doesn't want risk losing him as her reliable friend therefore dismissing all his 'nice' behavior as part of who he is - a 'nice' guy. Therefore, all his effort in wooing the girl is nullified as he gives her even more reason to keep him as just another nice guy she knows. Mission failed.

2. He ends up looking like a psycho stalker and she gets a restraining order on him. Not good either. Fail.

See, being a nice guy does not only NOT help make a girl attracted towards you, but overdoing it can cause pretty serious consequences! So I don't get it when guys keep doing this (or more likely, OVERDOING this!)!

So if being the 'nice' guy is not the right thing to do, what is? You just got to turn on the attraction, or end up with the dreaded "lets just be friends". You don't want to get there, trust me.

So if you want to find out more about What Women Want, stay tuned for the next installment of this series next Friday! I'm gonna keep writing about what women want for as long as I can and I really hope that you guys out there found this useful.

Till then, stop being the 'nice' guy, be the attractive guy.

Hamlet's Hero signing off.

Edit: Something just happened to me that's so amazing but it really makes me wonder if I really understand women. Guess they never stop amazing me. Thanks for restoring my faith in women, dear.

Edit again: WHOOPS! Junyi! :D