Saturday, June 07, 2008

What Women Want #4: A Man Who Doesn't Need Her!


I was thinking of various ideas for this post, and I chanced this on Sophia's blog:

Someone who doesn't make me his LIFE, but someone who makes me the FAVOURITE part of his life.

Yeah, well lesson learnt from my Minnienah here. She told me once. And I pondered on this a lot. You know, when people say stuff like ,"You are my everything, you are my life". It's kinda risky, because most relationships don't end this way and ALSO because it isn't very sincere if we think about it. I don't want to be EVERYTHING to someone. I don't want him to put me in front of everything and not give a damn about everything else. I don't want to be the reason he lives! (eeyer) I also realised that you know, one phone call for an hour a day is way better than smsing for a whole day. We need space ya 'all!:)It makes us yearn for more, and appreciate what we get. This sorta links to interest and spontaneity (oh god, how do I spell this?:P) I guess that most of us get 'bored' easily as we humans are generally people who love learning new things! And when there is nothing to learn from, we feel ler dead. Well, sparks is essential I guess. See, I don't really know HOW a certain guy could keep me feeling all excited because it's never happened :P, but I bet there's someone out there who knows how to, by just being his spontaneous , interesting self.

- Sophie, from radiant-rain.blogspot.com

And I can't help but agree.

Once upon a time, a time where this blogger was still a lot more naive, I once thought that what every girl wanted was a guy that made her his life.

I mean, what more could a girl ever want more than a guy who would think about her every minute of the day, call and SMS her a gazillion times an hour to make her feel loved and cared for, as well as do everything in his power to get her anything that her heart may fancy. A guy whose heart beat only for her and whose existence was justified by that smile on her face.

Yes, I once bought into all that boy band bull****.

"That made perfect sense right?" my naive former self thought. Guess I didn't know my stuff then.

Well, you 'nice guys' may disagree, but I can tell you from personal experience that this whole "she is my reason for existence" thing is a whole recipe for disaster. A whole complete recipe. Let me show you why any self respecting male should not need his girl too much:

1. A guy who makes his woman his world is predictable. Which in other words means BORING!
I guess Soph hit it on the nail here. A guy who goes all out to be nice to his girl ALL the time is incredibly predictable. He'll always be there for her parties, carry her shopping bags and probably even spend tons of time with her and her girlfriends. You ALWAYS know what he'll be up to next because it will be whatever she asks for!

This causes the sexual tension, that spark that women always seem to be talking about, to disappear! Like I discussed earlier in What Women Want #2, women to be kept on their toes wondering if their man really cares for them. It injects excitement into the relationship. It's what makes her tingle with excitement on her bed at night, wondering what that last, slightly aloof SMS you sent to her actually meant. It's what she so enjoys spending hours with her girlfriends discussing.

But it all goes away when it's TOO APPARENT that shes your one and only. Yes, it totally evaporates. So don't overdo the "I'll love you to the ends of the world thing" too much. From time to time, yes. But NOT ALL THE TIME!

2. Making her your all and being around her all the time is not 'nice', it's smothering (unless shes one of those super clingy, needy types).
When you spend all your time around your girl, you risk not giving her enough space. One very important thing to remember is that the girl that you're dating had a life BEFORE you came along!

I strongly believe that whoever that you date should enhance the present quality of your life, and if you don't give your girl the space she needs to be with her friends (without your interruption) and her hobbies, she's not going to be too happy at you for it. She's just gonna hate you more and more for smothering her. So don't do it!

Besides, spending every second of every day with her is also going to make it impossible for her to miss you, and yearn for you. And every girl secretly wants to miss her boyfriend, at least a little. (:

3. Not having a life of your own makes you so much less interesting.
One thing that many guys fail to realize is that when a guy makes his girlfriend's life his own, he stops being that person that his girl fell in love with in the first place. Just ask yourself, which kind of guy is a girl more likely to fall in love with:

A. A confident guy who has his own priorities in life (i.e. a backbone!) and his own social circle that he can rely on.

or

B. The guy that gives up his friends for his girl and is always waiting on his girl?

Girls need a strong guy with a backbone, who acts congruently on his values, not someone who readily gives up his life for someone else, because such a person is so much more respectable (so if you chose guy B, you're sorely lacking in self respect!).

And you're definitely someone respectable and someone deserving of admiration from your girl if you dump your life for her. It also shows that you didn't have an interesting life to begin with, further making you look like a hopeless loser.

***

Would Leonidas be anywhere as cool as he is if he was pussywhipped by his wife the queen to stay and not go to war? Women want a man who stands strong to his own values, lives by his own standards, and has his OWN life, not a needy person who depends on her for his survival.

What's also important to consider is also that if you ditch your life for your girl, it's going to be really difficult to get back on your feet should the unthinkable happen.

Your life's yours for a reason. A girl is not a good reason to throw it all away.

Till then, live your OWN life, not hers!

Hamlet's Hero out.

***

I'm all done with the Project Trafford post, and I'm really excited about it! I can't wait to share it with all of you because it really is a really interesting concept!

The thing is that I can't release it to the world yet until I get the green light from Nuffnang, so please hang in there! You'll see footage of the raid, and MUCH MORE soon!

Keep tuning in!

10 comments:

Stefanie said...

I kind of agree with this post. I think that guys should not overdo the smothering part where roses, presents etc. Its really not necessary, gifts are not really the key in making a relationship work.
Super clingy is not my fancy, guys need a backbone, their own, not on the girl he is with. Emancipation!!
I think when it comes to a relationship the couple must definitely have their own space, couple time, family time, own time. If not things may just get left out and can lead to misunderstandings.
Love is meant to be shared but not overly dominated by either individual. :)
Man.. im rambling :)

ern sheong said...

yup gotta give it to you for this one. I couldn't agree more. To love a girl is to let her go and not surround her or be obsessed with her too much yourself. Every person needs their own personal space to grow.

It's hard to let go and loosen the grip, but letting go is the right thing to do, and it's perhaps the best thing you can ever do for the one you love. otherwise there's a word for it: infatuation.

Falcon said...

I agree 150%

Youmust be a it with the ladies....lol

Anonymous said...

i'm sure #4 applies to the guys as well, no?

Sophia said...

Woot yeah, course I agree with this post:)
I seee my name! haha.
yeah, it's trueeeeeeee..
we all need to keep the sparks running!

Anonymous said...

I love this blog so much! Keep it up!

Kevin Chan said...

Anon,

Yeah it applies to all people. Clingy people are a nuisance a lot of the time... although a woman that worships me completely still sounds like a good idea... provided she doesn't demand all my time! (:

ErnSheong,

Yup, growth is important in life. Why stay with a stifling relationship? A healthy one would be one where both parties can grow and develop in parallel.

Stef,

What to do, society expects guys to have more backbone then girls somehow. I'm not trying to be sexist, but it seems thats what girls want in a guy lah. (:

Es said...

Kevin, nice job.

completely unrelated but.....maybe also true..

What Women Want: for men to shut up once in a while.

(also true the other way round.HMM..maybe more true the other way round. idk. hA!)

:D

E

Suh Ming said...

God, I am sooo going to miss your witty comments when you leave, Eswhy! haha. and Kevin, you're finally on the right track. XD

Kevin Chan said...

SuhMing,

I was always on the right track... just that I kept getting misunderstood by you! Hahaha.

And the right track doesn't mean the girl-friendly track! Sometimes the truth aint too gentle on the female ears, but it still is the truth! :P

Eswhy,

Hahah, you nailed it there! :D Where you leaving to?